Lifestyle

Get a Life Before You Get a Man

A while back, a good friend of mine sent me an eBook: Why Men Love Bitches. Well, reading the title alone made me cringe. The word Bitch stared right back at me challengingly, daring me to take a snoop. So I did.

Truth be told, the title was not the crème de la crème of it. The content was. With every turn of the page, I wanted to look for Sherry Argov, the author. I was not sure if it was to hug or slap her. At the time when I read the book, I was messed up. My love life was in shambles. I had reached that point where I had to be real with myself on why most of my romantic relationships had failed.

Therein in that book that had an absurd title, I was dealt with the simple truth – why men run away from women who are “too nice”. Truth sure tastes like bitter medicine. Reading that book was an eye-opener for me to say the least. It had truths that I had suspected but had no way to prove about men. I had to consume every bit of information on each page. It made me understand fundamentally what the word “too nice” and mental challenge means in a man’s vocabulary.

Every woman at some point in her life has felt some degree of embarrassment and aversion for herself for coming across as too needy or clingy. For some of us, we have found ourselves severally doing anything to keep our men happy. Even if it means compromising on our beliefs and dignity. Or even losing our self-worth in the process.

I always feel sad when I think of a very close friend of mine who lost herself in the process of being in love. I remember her tears; the pregnancy scares she had with the guy not in the picture to assure her. The long nights I spent at her side as she dealt with issues ranging from being cheated on, ignored, emotionally abused, taken for granted among other atrocities. Amidst all these, she loved harder. She went out of her way to give the guy more reasons to stick around.

She was the one to create time for the guy when he wanted to see her. She was the one to open her door in the middle of the night to a guy who was gaming with his friends all day long and forgot their dinner arrangements. She was the one who had to change her lifestyle because the guy was uncomfortable with how she lived. At some point, the said guy told her she had to choose between her friend (me) and himself. Simply put, the guy knew he owned her. His wish was her wishes. She was not her own person. She had stopped living for herself but for the guy. And right there, that was the problem.

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I know this sort of scenario resonates with some women. Or you have been that woman. You get into a relationship with a man and everything is going great.  You are in cloud nine. He is your dream guy. After a while, you notice he is not that into you like before. You start complaining he isn’t paying attention to you anymore. To make matters worse, you start over-compensating, going out of your way to make him feel more loved. Rather than your relationship getting re-kindled, it gets worse and you wonder why.

The simple truth is; you are “too nice” in the man’s mind. You are not a bitch. “Too nice” in a man’s vocabulary means needy and a doormat. You are not the type he will rave about to his friends but rather, the one he’ll dismiss. “Annett is pretty cool man. But the thing is, she isn’t my type. She is “too nice”. You know what I mean?” The other guy will laugh, pat him in the back and commiserate – probably remembering his own Annett.

You see when a man says you are “too nice, it is good to question yourself. Are you the type who will do literally anything to keep a man? They are women who stop living their authentic lives when they meet a man. Suddenly, the man becomes their focus. Everything they do has to co-relate and meet the man’s approval. They try to fit the man’s desired image of the perfect girlfriend. When a man knows you are willing to do anything for him, he wonders how far he can push you. He also acknowledges the fact that, you not the woman for him. You simply don’t offer the mental challenge.

Interestingly, most women equate mental challenge to intelligence but never relate to the level of their neediness.

“I find it annoying when a woman asks me what’s the plan? What should we do tomorrow or the day after?  It always makes me wonder if the woman does not have her own life to live.” A colleague of mine divulged one day. “I find it appealing when the woman I am dating seems to have her own life apart from our relationship.”

We had been talking about this woman in his life who never seemed to really care if he had time for her, instead, she would just tell him she had other things to do. At the end of the day, he was left wondering what was that important.

A bitch in Sherry Argov book is a representation of a woman who is kind and strong. She does not pause her life for a man nor chase a man. She is a woman who knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it.  She is a woman who has a presence of mind and is not afraid to stand up for herself when necessary. I happen to conquer.

Over-compensating or being too eager to please in a relationship will lessen a man’s respect. Most men do not hold a woman who is willing to jump over hoops for them as a mental challenge. A mental challenge has nothing to do with how beautiful you are or your level of education. It has everything to do with your expectations. Are you willing to be disrespected? Most importantly does he know you are not afraid to live without him?

The mistake most of us do is get into relationships and forget ourselves. And for some of us who are messed up one way or the other, we hope a man will fix the empty places in us. Girl, work on yourself before you get a man. Be the best version of you. Let the man who graces your amazing life compliment it not fix it.

No man wants a woman who has no self-identity. Before you get into a relationship, do yourself a favor- get a life of your own. Get yourself a job, a hobby, have a life separate from the man in your life, learn to speak your mind or whatever. Just don’t be the type of woman who nags or whines. Be the sort a man wants to do everything for and be around. Be the woman who is not afraid to lose a man but afraid to lose her self-worth.

N/B: A bitch knows how to treat her man like a king. She knows her power lays in her femininity. There is a difference between being feminine and a feminist.

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